Do you appreciate the contributions your spouse makes to your life and your family’s life?  Do you tell your spouse how grateful you are for what he or she does?  Or, do you feel taken for granted and perhaps not as appreciated as you would like to feel? 

My husband, Les, and I were about to embark on a day that would change our lives forever.  He came up with an idea to swap roles for a day.  Les is a self-employed Marketing Consultant who works from our home.  I am full-time Mommy to three amazing children; Charlie is 6, Mary is 4 and Lucy is 2.  My husband works endlessly and we sacrifice mutually so we can send our children to Catholic school and I can stay at home and raise our children. 

I agreed to this role reversal, readily.  We set up some perimeters, for instance he would only give me tasks inside the realm of my skill set and comfort level – so no fancy web coding that looks like a foreign language to me – and I would assist with putting the ponytail in our daughter’s hair before sending her off to school.  Truly scary stuff for both of us. 

On the day of the swap, I woke up feeling nervous.  Way nervous. Could we really pull this off?  I mean, my husband is a very capable father and has watched our kids countless times alone.  But a full day of taking care of them including their school schedules?  I am a self-proclaimed control freak (which is a term most family members and close friends would also use to describe me, affectionately, of course) and very much into my daily routines and I knew this was going to be a challenge for me.  Was my husband going to remember to pack our son’s morning snack in the right compartment of his book bag – along with the ice pack I send daily to keep his yogurt cold?  Was he going to pick the children up from school on time?  Would he make sure to change the baby’s diaper? It’s not the end of the world if a client doesn’t get a call back in the same day or an email goes unanswered until the next morning, but you cannot take a day off from taking care of your kids and their needs.  I felt nauseas. 

Nausea aside, I admit I was a little excited to put the “Super Mommy” role aside and be “Career Mommy” that day.  I used to work in sales jobs, publishing, and the non-profit sector in my “other life” (a.k.a. life without children).  I loved interacting with my co-workers and clients.  Now, my life is dictated by my family’s constant needs, the endless (but almost always amusing) questions, diaper changes, the back and forth from school and activities, preparing snacks and meals, the never-ending cycle of laundry, homework, paying bills, grocery shopping, housework, etc.  This all would be replaced for the day with sending invoices, proofreading, making sales calls, checking email, copyrighting, topped off with a hot cup of coffee.  After all, I wouldn’t be interrupted mid-sip, would not have to put my coffee cup down to deal with whatever crisis came up (like “Mom!  I can’t find my –insert name of toy here-“) only to find my coffee cup an hour later, and microwaving it to scalding, only to have to let it sit because it is too hot to drink, then forgetting about it, then warming it up all over again, now would I?

The first hour of any given weekday is spent making sure my son is dressed and groomed correctly for school, book bag properly packed and containing all pertinent items like homework and snack and lunch; that my daughters are up and eating their breakfast and all needs are under control.  Not today, though. 

I was able to take my time in the shower and getting ready – not the usual 5 minutes start-to-finish regimen.  I traded my usual t-shirt and comfy pants attire today to a more business casual.  As I was applying makeup (which is usually reserved for Church, the rare night out with my husband, or my monthly book club dinner with the girls), I heard my son say, “Papa, I don’t understand.  There’s not enough sugar in here.”  I smiled.  Charlie likes lots of sugar in his morning hot cereal.  Something only Mommy knows, I guess.

Time to take my son to school.  “He’s ready to go!” my husband yelled from upstairs.   My boy came downstairs with shirt untucked and hair uncombed.  I sent him back upstairs for my husband to fix things.  My son came downstairs again with only his hair fixed.  I smiled, sighed, and as I was helping my son tuck in his shirt, I discovered his underwear was on backwards.  “Your underwear is on backwards,” I said, calmly.  Upon hearing this and knowing that there is very little time to spare on school days, my husband frantically exclaimed, “Charlie!  Get over here!  We need to fix your underwear!” 

Out the door and off to school we go.  Taking our son to school is my husband’s weekday ritual.  On most days after dropping Charlie off at school, Les walks over to our Church and attends the Liturgy of the Hours.  This day, I would take his place.  Les always says starting his day off in prayer really helps.  I agree.  It was peaceful and it centered me in a way I don’t usually feel in the morning.  I usually feel rushed in the morning.  And pretty much throughout the day. 

As I sat down at the computer, I took a sip of the coffee that I just poured from the fresh pot my husband had brewed only minutes earlier (like I do for him in the mornings) – and was pleasantly surprised by the hot liquid.  What a nice change, I thought and smiled. 
As I was getting organized at my husband’s desk, I couldn’t help but keep looking at the picture of our kids my husband keeps by his client folders.  I had a lump in my throat.  I felt incomplete, like something was missing inside me.  I was missing kissing my kids.  I wonder if this is how he feels during his work day. 

I left my husband a very detailed, hour by hour breakdown of what needed to be done.  I got a bare-bones list that included email invoice to this client for this amount, proofread brochures, Google these companies and make introductory calls on behalf of Les Proctor Direct.  So, of course I had questions.  I went downstairs to get some explanation and answers, and I laughed aloud as I found clothes that had fallen out of the laundry basket my husband lugged down the two flights of stairs to the laundry room. 

I was happily busy with my to-do list.  Crossing things off in a fury.  “Wow, this is easy!” I thought, as I reached for my coffee cup, only to take a lukewarm sip.  No bother, I can pop downstairs and grab a fresh cup – just wanted to finish a couple more things first. 

I was in the middle of proofreading brochures from a client who has given my husband’s company lots of business and paid lots of money over the years, when the Live Chat screen popped up on my husband’s computer saying “incoming call” with a deafening simulated telephone ring. I was so startled; I literally jumped out of my chair.  He didn’t tell me about this!  What do I do? I quick and typed, “Hi. This is Les. How may I help you?” And in return, a few seconds later, while I barely had time to recover from the shock, read, “Hi, this is Eric.  I need information on the different classifications you have on leads.  Do you have SOHO leads?”  Huh?  I frantically ran downstairs to get instructions from my husband on how to help this potential client.  My husband came upstairs and took over.  I watched in amazement as he switched from “Mommy Mode” to Business Owner, as his fingers danced over the keyboard, quickly typing responses.  Later that day, he would tell me he closed that sale. 

I decided to break for a quick sandwich.  My girls were excited to see their Mommy.  “Hi Mommy!” they yelled in unison.  I kissed them countless times each, much to their delight.  I miss them. 

I make it a point to let the kids visit with my husband in his home office during the day – just a quick kiss and hug – and if someone wants a book read, my husband will stop what he’s doing and read that book.   I was hoping he’d do the same during my work day at the desk.  And much to my delight, I heard the pitter patter of feet outside the office door, hushed voices – and the doorknob turned and in ran my children into my open arms.   My heart was bursting with pure love, and as the tears ran down my cheeks, I thought, my husband gets to experience his children’s embraces and presence – during the day.  What a blessing.

My husband loves his family.  Works many hours to support our family, to make sure all our needs are met, financial and emotionally.   Willingly.  Lovingly.  But owning your own business has its trials, too.  We don’t have the comfort of knowing a paycheck will be directly deposited in our checking account every week.  My husband might be able to break away during the day to get his hair cut or take a yoga class, but many nights after the kids are in bed, he’s back in his office – sometimes until the wee hours of the next morning.  Most weekends my husband needs to work a few hours, or more.

After my quick lunch (and microwave-back-to-warm coffee) I went back in the office, closed the door, turned on the space heater to drown out any sound other than the clicks on my computer keyboard, and continued the tedious job of proofreading brochures.  The rest of the afternoon went by rather quickly.  Before I knew it, my husband was calling me for dinner.  Oops.  I didn’t get everything done on my list.  Where did the time go?

I didn’t do one-third of what my husband does each day – I didn’t speak to the client who needed a job rushed by the end of the day, I didn’t answer questions about which marketing program would best suit a potential client, I didn’t answer any of the gobs of daily emails that each come with its own set of problems and solutions, or the countless other items he completes each day that remain unknown to me. My husband didn’t finish the laundry or do homework with our son or pay the bills or tidy up the house.   

Throughout the day, my husband told me;

“This isn’t easy.  I had no idea what I was in store for. I really appreciate you.”
“Wow, this is a lot of work.” 
“I don’t know how you do it.” 
“Honey, my job is easy compared to yours.”

It doesn’t matter that some of the tasks on the To-Do lists weren’t completed.  What matters is that my husband and I work well together as a team.  We each have our roles – and we are capable and trust that the other person is taking care of their daily responsibilities without fail. 

My husband wrote a note to me the night before our role reversal, which I wasn’t allowed to read until the morning of the switch:

Thursday, October 6, 2009

My dearest wife,

I adore you. I marvel at what a great Mother you are to our beautiful children, and sometimes I pinch myself in awe.

I am truly sorry for the times that you do not feel appreciated, or you feel underappreciated, or the times when I’ve not done everything I can to make your life easier.

I am so grateful to you and for you. You are truly God’s greatest gift to me, and I know that living with you is all I ever want to do.

Your most humble and devoted husband and servant,
Les

He knew even before the day started.  He knew. 

I know my husband and I have a unique arrangement which makes us able to complete this experiment.  But you can try this, too.  Switch chores for a weekend day or even an evening after work.  The purpose is to appreciate each other’s daily contributions and be more aware of your spouse’s responsibilities – and be grateful for each other.

In the end, my coffee still needs to be warmed up.  But I get to kiss and hug my kids as many times as I want to during the day.  And for this, and for my remarkable husband, I am most grateful.

Popularity: 3% [?]